Gift Cards
by silkendreammaid
Summary: Ed gives yet another gift card to Mustang's disapproval. 7: Havoc
1. Hughes

**Gift Cards  
**

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor ever will, Fullmetal Alchemist or the characters within.

* * *

**Gift Cards  
**

Colonel Roy Mustang sauntered into his office the week after Christmas and sank into his chair with a relieved sigh. After a week of having Hughes stay, he was completely exhausted and very grateful he only had to do this once a year.

Maes was his best friend. It wasn't that he didn't want the man to stay when he visited. It was just that Maes could be so enthusiastic at times. It made him tired just looking at him and this year it had been worse than normal. Thanks to the little shrimp of an alchemist stomping into his office and he scowled at him.

Edward ignored the scowl and flung a rather tired looking file onto the desk.

"A complete waste of my time… _again_. When will we get a lead worth following?" Ed grumbled as he threw himself onto the couch.

"The minute you promise _not_ to give Hughes a gift card for Christmas or any other occasion ever again." Mustang said in determined voice.

Edward sat up and stared at the Colonel. "What was wrong with giving him that? He loved it, he said so and they're perfect for him. Al and I didn't know what else to get him anyway."

"I'm not saying it's a bad idea, Ed. Just… if you must get him one, then get one from anywhere else but the camera shop!"

* * *

Author's Note: Gift cards... apologies and/or thanks to Zakai for involuntarily setting this bunny free for me...

silken :)


	2. Breda

**Gift Cards**

Disclaimer: I do not own, or ever will, Fullmetal Alchemist or the characters within.

* * *

**Breda**

Colonel Mustang looked at Edward and sighed. The boy was going to be the death of him one day, he was sure of it.

"What did I tell you about gift cards, Fullmetal?" He asked in a long suffering voice.

Ed looked up from his sprawled position on the couch and frowned in thought. "Umm, not to give Hughes any from the camera shop?" His voice lifted slightly as if questioning why Mustang would be asking such a random question.

"Precisely. Now I feel I should also add Breda to that list."

Edward's frown deepened and he looked perplexed. He stared at the Colonel and wondered why he was making a fuss about this.

"Okay, what's eating you, bastard? First Hughes, now Breda. What exactly is your problem?"

Roy leant forward and placed his elbows on his desk and rested his chin on his fingers.

"Do you recall exactly where that gift card was to be used, Edward?" He asked in a casual almost whimsical voice.

"Yes." Ed nodded. "Al thought it would be perfect."

"It was for the pet shop, Edward." Roy stated and Edward just blinked at him.

"Yes, I know that. It's a really good shop too. Al goes there all the time."

"Breda has a thing about dogs, remember?" Mustang felt compelled to point out.

"Everyone knows that, bastard." Ed rolled his eyes and shifted on the couch. "There are other animals around, you know."

"Yes, I am well aware of that." He said in a heavy voice that had Ed staring at him.

"I don't see a problem here, bastard."

"I do, Edward." Mustang kept his voice level as his dark eyes met the puzzled golden ones. "Once Breda was reassured they had no dogs there, he went in and bought himself a pet, and he insists on taking it everywhere with him."

Ed's face was blank and he scratched the side of his head, completely baffled.

"Breda's pet is a rat." Mustang added.

"Nothing wrong with them." Ed replied as he blinked. "They're very smart animals. They can solve mazes and problems and everything. At least it wasn't a cat. Hayate and Al'd be all over that."

"To be honest, a cat would have caused less of a problem." Mustang replied.

Ed sighed and sat up. "Look Mustang, just what is the problem here? So what if Breda sits there with a rat in his pocket? It's not going to bother anyone. It's just a rat."

Mustang also sighed. Some days you just couldn't win.

"Edward, Hawkeye doesn't approve of rats."

* * *

Author's Note: Okay, so it bit me… this is what I get for not writing anything for two days I guess…lol… all these little bites…

silken :)


	3. Hawkeye

**Gift Cards**

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor ever will, Fullmetal Alchemist or the characters within.

* * *

**Hawkeye**

"What am I going to do with you, Fullmetal?"

"No idea." Ed shrugged as he slouched on the couch. "But I have no doubt you are going to tell me exactly what it is, bastard."

"I think gift cards must be your new motto. You don't think in terms of equivalent exchange any more, you drag out a gift card."

Ed rolled his eyes and sighed at the irritable voice. "Just get to the point, Mustang."

"I remember you asking me what was a suitable gift to give to a woman. What was my reply?"

"Um, flowers, chocolates?"

"Gracia Hughes received a gift card." Mustang paused. "You didn't follow my advice."

"No. We thought of something better." Ed remarked.

"Really? How is a gift card for books better?"

"Books?" Ed sat up straight and looked at Mustang. "We didn't get her a book voucher."

"Well that is what she received. Maes rang me earlier. He mentioned it and told me to tell you he was slightly disappointed you hadn't followed his suggestion. Which, knowing Maes, might have been the only wise thing you've done all week."

Ed frowned and his eyes began to go wide. "Oh shit."

"Edward?" Mustang's query was redolent with an unspoken threat of immediate incineration if he didn't answer right away.

"I… must have got the cards mixed up."

"Mixed up? How?"

"The book one was meant for Schieska. That means she got the one for Mrs Hughes." Ed grimaced.

"You can explain that to Lieutenant-Colonel Hughes. I really do not want to know."

The door opened without warning and a frowning First Lieutenant Hawkeye stood there. Both Roy and Ed hastily thought hard as to what they could have done to cause Hawkeye to look so foreboding.

"Edward."

"Yes?" He swallowed, completely baffled at her heavy tone.

"I believe you sent Miss Rockbell a gift card." It was not a question.

"Yes? For the automail shop she likes. Why?"

"Because she has received one for the gun shop."

"Damn, I mixed them up too?" Ed fell back on the couch. "I'm sorry, Hawkeye. You were meant to get the gun one."

"I didn't get the automail one, Edward." Hawkeye said in a cool voice.

"But...but…" Ed's mind spun around. "You got the one for Mrs Hughes!" he suddenly exclaimed as it suddenly clicked.

Mustang chuckled, happy to see someone else at the pointy end of a Hawkeye stare for a change. "It sounds like you got them well and truly muddled, Ed."

"Did you know about this, Sir?" Hawkeye's eyes focused on the Colonel.

"Ed did ask but…" Roy never finished as the echoing of a gunshot filled the room.

"I am not surprised, but I wish you had shown some restraint, Colonel!" Hawkeye snapped and she strode from the room leaving them both staring after her. Roy frowned and looked at the wide-eyed, open-mouthed Edward.

"Just what card did Maes suggest you get for Gracia?"

"Some place called '_Satin and Lace_'." Edward shrugged. "It sells clothes, he said."

"Among other things." Roy muttered on a groan before he sighed. "It sells lingerie, Edward."

"What's that?"

* * *

Author's Note: Poor innocent Ed… grins…

Enjoy

silken :)


	4. Armstrong

**Gift Cards**

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor ever will, Fullmetal Alchemist or the characters within.

* * *

**Armstrong**

Colonel Roy Mustang was furious, livid and extremely angry and Edward could see it. It was very hard to miss. Because the Colonel's angry, livid furious face was a bare two inches away from his. His voice was also defining incandescent rage as he hissed vitriol at the blond.

Edward also realised that the red that infused the Colonel's face was partly because the dark-haired man was extremely embarrassed.

"If I ever, ever catch you giving another gift card to anyone, I am personally going to see to it that you burn over a very slow fire right in the middle of my office. Do I make myself very clear, Fullmetal?"

"Yes, but…"

"No buts, Edward. Giving a gift card to Major Armstrong should be a dischargeable offence. Unfortunately it is not."

"It was only for his muscle ointment, oil stuff. You're being an uptight asshole of a bastard to get all put out over something this trivial." Edward rushed the words out as Mustang took a deep breath. The black eyes flared up again.

"Trivial? Do you know what that stuff does, Edward?"

"Makes him shiny?" Edward shrugged. "It stinks, I know that much."

"It also burns." Roy's voice became deadly serious and intent, staring hard at the blond. "When it comes in contact with certain parts of the anatomy, it burns."

Edward's eyes nearly crossed as he focused on Mustang's glaring eyes so close to his own. "Does it?" he asked blankly. He never used the stuff, how was he supposed to know that?

"I have just had to rescue the Major from such a predicament." The sight of a naked Armstrong rolling on the communal shower-room floor, almost squealing, his eyes watering and holding his burning genitals was not something he was ever going to forget. Having to assist with removing said ointment from the affected areas was something he never wanted to remember.

It took Edward two endless seconds to understand and his eyes widened.

"You mean, he… you had to…" Ed shuddered and Mustang nodded.

Edward was silent for another long moment, golden eyes staring at the tense and angry Colonel.

"Maybe I should get him a card for an applicator for next time." Ed paused as the black eyes absolutely blazed. "Or perhaps you'd like one?"

* * *

Author's Note: And then there was this… grins

silken :)


	5. Fuhrer Bradley

**Gift Cards**

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor ever will, Fullmetal Alchemist or the characters within.

* * *

**Fuhrer Bradley**

Colonel Mustang put the phone down and placed his head in his hands and groaned. The phone rang again and he ignored it. It kept ringing and he kept ignoring. There was no way he wanted to take another call. Even Hawkeye appearing in his doorway didn't sway him.

"You take it, Hawkeye," he said without even looking up. "And when Edward gets here, shoot him."

"That is hardly an order I can carry out, Sir."

"Well, either you shoot him, or I incinerate him. Your choice."

"With all due respect, Sir, your state of mind is of a more immediate concern."

"If you shot him, my state of mind would return to normal. If I reduced him to slag and ashes, my state of mind wouldn't be a concern." Roy mumbled his small rant into his hands and missed the grin that crossed Hawkeye's face as she heard someone enter the office behind her.

"What's up with you, bastard?" came a light careless comment as stomping feet marched into his office and a small blond landed on his couch.

Roy lifted his head and glared balefully at the uncaring alchemist. _"You." _His voice was heavy and his frown heavier. "How many times have I told you _not _to send anymore gift cards?"

Ed shrugged. "I don't keep track of things like that. You're always telling me what I can't do and then complaining about what I do do. Who would bother keeping score?"

"You gave one to the Fuhrer, Edward."

"It was for his birthday." Ed sighed and crossed his booted feet as he sunk further into the couch. "Besides that was ages ago. Why are you worrying about it now?"

"Because your little gift has borne fruit, so to speak," Roy said meaningfully and Ed blinked blankly at him.

"Huh?"

"Edward. _All_ the Generals and ranking officers of Central, and most of the damned country, are being inundated with gifts of melons from our beloved Head of State because _you_ gave him a card from a gardening centre!"

"You don't have to sound so upset about it, bastard." Ed protested mildly.

"Do you know how many phone calls I have recieved from people blaming _me_ for this? Much as everyone loves the Fuhrer, _no-one_ really appreciates his melons, and certainly _not _the sudden inundation of them."

"You know, you're being real sarcastic here, bastard." Ed pointed out.

"I'll be a lot more sarcastic when I fry your ass until you understand that you are never, _never_ to send a gift card again." He paused as Hawkeye re-entered the room and placed a slip of paper on his desk. "I am not going to take the blame on this one. This is _your _doing."

"The Fuhrer called and wishes to see you this afternoon in his office," she murmured at the same time as Ed spoke.

"Actually I signed your name on the card."

* * *

Author's Note: I really need to get back to work now… grins

silken :)


	6. Falman

**Gift Cards**

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor ever will, Fullmetal Alchemist or the characters within.

* * *

**Falman**

"You are confined to desk duties for the next four weeks, Fullmetal." Colonel Mustang spoke clearly and firmly and the blond in front of him began to glare. Roy lifted a gloved hand to delay the impending tirade. "This is not negotiable. If you do not comply, you will be placed on a three month suspension."

"What?" Ed's hands landed on the desk with their usual loud clatter. "You can't do that! I haven't done anything wrong!" His face flushed and his temper rose with his voice. "I am _not_ going to roll over just because you want to exercise your God-complex again! Find someone else to play your stupid little games with!"

Roy's frown was deep and he lifted his gloved hand again, this time fingers poised to snap. "That is enough, Fullmetal." His eyes were hard and Edward had never heard him use that tone of voice before. A gloved finger shifted to point at him. "I am not doing this for my own personal pleasure, Fullmetal. Were I looking for that, you'd be a living candle by now. No, this is about facing up to the consequences of your actions. This is about taking responsibility for something you have done."

"I don't need you to lecture me on responsibility," Ed hissed at him, his face pale. "I know more about that than you ever will."

"Then this should be an easy lesson for you," Roy replied. "Two words, Edward, two words that i never want to hear you say again. _Gift cards_."

Edward stared at him, his mind going blank as the old pains and hurt were swamped by astonishment and surprise, quickly followed by anger. "You mean to say this is all about them?" He stepped back from the desk, his hands beginning to fist hard. "You're punishing me for the _gift cards_?"

"I certainly am."

Edward took a deep breath and then lunged forward again, slamming his hands onto the desk as his temper won out. "You can't do this! You said the Fuhrer was deeply touched and pleased at the gift card. So what if I put your name to it, you didn't object once he said he was happy with it. Fucking hell, I even _asked_ you for _permission _to send the last one! And you agreed. You said even I couldn't go wrong with that one. So why are you blaming me now? Whatever happened is _not _my fault, so you have no right to punish me like this!"

"You think I'm punishing you unfairly?" Roy stood up, his hands landing on the table and leaning forward to glare back into the accusing golden eyes. "And yes, I am fully aware that I agreed to you giving that gift card to Falman. However, the repercussions of that act are affecting the whole damned Military and so not only you, but everyone else is having four weeks desk duty. So yes, I think I have every right to enforce your compliance in this matter."

Edward blinked. "Everyone?"

Roy nodded. "Everyone."

"But...how? Why?" Edward waved a hand around. "It was for that stationer's place he always goes to. It was so he could get a new pen after Havoc broke his old one. _You_ said it was a good idea."

"It was. Falman was sulking."

"He didn't look any different."

"He never does, but how many files did he somehow manage to lose that week? How many times did he get Havoc to rewrite forms that were suddenly full of mistakes or were misplaced? And are you forgetting the ink that somehow spilt itself over Havoc's uniform?" Roy pointed out and Ed scrunched his nose up.

"But I still don't see why I'm the one in trouble here. Falman got his pen and everyone's happy now."

Yes, but while he was there he used that card to get himself some new _coloured_ paper. And then he used it for a report and the Fuhrer saw it and decided that not only should we start to colour-code _all _reports from now on, we should also do the same for all the reports from the last six months. And I do believe he said something about re-vamping the rest of the Military's stationery."

"Colour-coded paperwork?" Ed gaped at him.

"Yes, Edward. And for the next four weeks, it's going to be you and me, sitting here, in this very office every single day, colour-coding all the files from the last six months."

Edward staggered backwards, unintelligible sounds and noises coming from his mouth, his arms flailing. Roy watched, almost amused as Hawkeye appeared with the first pile of folders and marched him across to a desk at gunpoint. She placed the folders in front of him and then left the office briefly before returning with another armful which she placed in front of Roy. She looked at them both.

"I have locked the outer door, there is a sentry below the window and the offices on either side have been informed should you try to go through the walls this time. I will be back in exactly one hour. All of these have to be finished by then." She left the inner office leaving them both staring with dismay at the empty doorway and then at each other.

"Now do you understand why I am so against gift cards?" Roy asked.

* * *

Author's Note: I'm at work and this bunny hopped onto my table... fluff and fun at last... grins

silken :)


	7. Havoc

**Gift Cards**

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor ever will, Fullmetal Alchemist or the characters within.

* * *

**Havoc**

The red-coated blond stopped in the doorway of the Colonel's office. The Colonel was staring at him and Edward immediately began to wonder what he'd done now.

"Come in Fullmetal." The Colonel's voice was soft, at odds with the almost murderous glare in those dark eyes. "Close the door behind you."

Edward took a deep breath and gathered his usual insouciance around him. With a jaunty step and grin on his face he walked into the room and kicked the door shut behind him. He stomped to the couch and dropped onto it heavily.

"What's with you, bastard?"

"Tell me Edward just what the phrase 'no gift cards ever again' means to you."

Edward rolled his eyes. "Oh come on. Not this again?" He sat up and met the fierce stare with a long-suffering sigh. "I haven't sent or given any out. I haven't even let Al give any. You really need to get over this, Colonel."

"Explain this then" and the Colonel held up a small card between his gloved fingers.

Ed frowned and squinted across the room before getting up and walking to the wide desk for a closer look.

"Oh, that. That's not a gift card." Ed smiled with hidden relief and imminent smugness at having caught the bastard out. "_That_ is a season ticket."

"It's a card and given as a gift. That makes it a _gift card_," Roy said implacably.

"Semantics," Ed snapped back. "You just want an excuse to exercise that large megalomaniac ego of yours." He shook his head and then grinned. "I've done nothing wrong this time and you can't stand it. _I _even had _Hawkeye's_ permission to give that _Season Pass_ to Havoc."

"I have already spoken to the First-Lieutenant," Mustang replied and Ed's grin faltered slightly. The bastard should not have been able to say that with so much calm confidence. "And she wishes to have a few words with you afterwards." Mustang smirked in a perfectly nasty manner and Edward's grin disappeared altogether. He frowned, trying to ignore the shiver that was inching down his spine.

"Why?" His suspicion was loud in the tone of his voice.

"Hawkeye had no problem with you giving Havoc a _Season Pass_" Mustang's eyebrow rose sardonically "to the Playhouse. She, like the rest of the office, was highly amused at the – dare I say – _futility_ – of your no doubt well-meaning gesture."

"Havoc liked it," Ed interjected.

"Only because he thought it could be used as a way to get women."

Ed nodded with a shrug. "So? It's worked pretty well too. I've heard that he's out nearly every night."

Mustang's eyes darkened and the murderous glare returned. "He's only out every night because he is trying to work his way through _my_ address book."

"He's got your Black Book?" Edward blinked as his jaw dropped. Mustang's address book, known as the Black Book to all of East City and most of Central was supposed to contain the phone number of every single – and not so single - available woman over the age of consent. Ed tried to speak further but the words couldn't get past his gaping jaw.

"Yes." Roy's response was short. "Because Havoc is unable to pick up women by his own efforts."

"But…but… _your _Black Book?" Ed spluttered.

"Is absolutely useless to him," Roy said with a brief smirk which disappeared beneath the glare. The card fluttered to the desk as the gloved fingers shifted into a snapping position. "Even with a list of names he's still unable to score." The fingers rubbed together slowly and Edward found his gaze drawn to them. Mustang's voice dropped. "If you hadn't given him this card and he hadn't felt the need to steal my book, I wouldn't be facing several dozen scorned women who object to having their details shared around."

"But you didn't know Havoc was doing that?" Ed said hurriedly, stepping back slowly. "If you explain the circumstances, they'd understand, right?"

"They're women, Edward. Of course they don't understand and even if they did, they won't accept it. They _met_ Havoc and no amount of understanding is going to cover that."

The gloved fingers snapped and flame streaked between them. Ed's right sleeve began to smoke and the blond backed away speedily. He reached the door and was fumbling with the handle when Mustang snapped again. The stench of scorching hair filled the room and Edward's eyes were wide and horrified as his hand reached back to his braid.

"Don't forget Hawkeye wants to see you Edward." Roy watched as Ed pulled the door open and slammed it behind him. Roy leant back in his chair studying his gloved fingers. Hawkeye was probably going to shoot the poor boy. She'd been on night duty for the last four weeks to cover for Havoc. That plus having to deal with the angry phone calls from more than a few of the Colonel's women, as well as being reprimanded for encouraging Edward meant that Edward was in for a rather bad hour or two once Hawkeye got hold of him.

Roy looked at the small card. Hopefully Edward would finally learn to leave them alone. They caused more trouble than they were worth. Roy sighed and reached for the card. He had several dozen women to appease. Maybe he should take them out for an evening at the Playhouse. There was still over half the Season to run.

He groaned. It was still going to cost him a small fortune in flowers and chocolates.

* * *

-

* * *

Author's Note: I got given a hare at work today and it spawned a bunny… most unexpected…

silken :)


End file.
